Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognise and influence the emotions of those around you. (Harvard Business School)
Understanding and managing your own emotions… It sounds so simple. They are your emotions, why wouldn't you recognise them?
The truth is, most of the time, it's really hard. Not only to recognise what your emotions are doing, but also controlling how you react to them. Especially when you're in a heightened emotional state, like anger or stress. It's only when we calm down, that we start to regret how we've behaved.
An important first step is getting to know your emotions, and noticing how they show up in your body. Once you realise what is happening when it's happening, you can try to put some space between how you're feeling and how you're reacting. That's what practicing mindfulness is all about.
But no matter how much we practice, there'll be many times we slip up. We get angry, or sad, frustrated or tired, or hungry (a big one for me), and say something we don't mean, or do something we normally wouldn't have.
While we'll keep practicing to be mindful, we also need to acknowledge our "suboptimal” reactions, so that we can better avoid them next time.
The Activity: Create an I'm-Sorry-Card
Step 1 - The Unwanted Reaction
Think about a recent moment when you have said or done something you later regretted because you were angry/sad/hungry/tired/anxious/whatever in the moment.
What triggered you at the time? Who was the target of your reaction? How would you have reacted differently without the negative emotion present?
Did you unleash your hanger on a friend, even though they only asked you a simple question? Did you snap at your partner for no reason because work was stressing you out?
Step 2 - The Card
Now that you have zero'd in on a specific incident, create a card to say sorry to the person at the receiving end of your unwanted reaction (n.b. this can also be yourself). You can draw the card, or collage it, or use digital tools.
It doesn't have to be fancy. The important part is that you own up to the moment when you could have reacted differently, if you'd only been able to put some space between your emotions and your reaction.
Step 3 (Optional) - Send it
Ideally, you'll now hand the card to the person in question. But I'll leave that one up to you.
My Example
My anxiety has been ramping up over the last weeks. Stress at work, changes to the schedule, financial insecurity, economic crisis, you know the stuff. At the same time I've not been consistent with my anxiety-at-bay-keepers like drawing and working out. It all came together on Friday in a climax of shitty mental health.
I realised what was going on, so the first thing I did was to go to the gym. But apparently that wasn't enough. Shortly after I came back home, my husband asked me a totally normal question about what we were going to do with the big garbage bags of kid clothes I had sorted out. My anxiety, of course, took it as a direct criticism of my person, and I fired something back at him that was neither deserved nor accurate. Naturally, he was a bit pissed off.
Fortunately, we've gotten a lot better about communicating, so this little incident didn't end up in a full-blown conflict. But still. Shitty moment, shitty reaction, unnecessary tension.
So I made him this:
Even though the tense moment had long passed, he clearly appreciated the gesture when I showed it to him. Hopefully next time, I'll remember to take a few breaths before firing.
Have a fantastic week.
Love, Lorena